How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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