I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
