Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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