Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
