I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
