And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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