in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
