I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
