Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
