The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
