You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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