like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
