Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
