just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
