4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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