id be glad to
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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