I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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