I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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