I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize