Please, let me fuck your mom
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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