you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
