I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
