She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
