just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
