If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
...so i touched it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
