I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
