if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize