Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
someone owes me an orgasm
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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