You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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