god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize