I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
