i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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