i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
