At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
