Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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