3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
