I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
