My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
