I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
