he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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