just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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