i would punch a child for taco bell
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
