dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize