This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
