Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
