Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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