I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
