well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
