She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
