I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize