I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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