I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize