Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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