miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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