girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
