the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
