watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I love how my cats smell like pot.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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