Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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