My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
