MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
